dreaming of pink

NOt as good as it sounds. I'm cleary anxious about Friday (now called D-day by the Library). We are getting our lay-off notices this day. Night after night I'm dreaming of recieving all these envelopes in the mail. When I open them, every paper is pink. Pink Slips, pink slips, pink slips! I just can't wait until I find out so that I can move ON with my life. For real!

I've already sent out one resume however, there will be A LOT of competition considering how many of my colleagues will be cut off from work.

I'm ready to move but of course I just bought a house. Now would honestly be a perfect time for a new environment.

This past weekend was fun though. We put up our little fake tree and I bought a cute potted live tree that we will plant after Christmas. We played holiday music and scrabble all day on Sunday.

My niece came over the night before. She is 7 and beautiful, feisty, and fun. We watched Nim's Island which she loved and I thought was cute. We made crafty magnets together and had pancakes and bacon for breakfast.

Poor Eric gets the boot out of bed though. Jocelyn gets too scared to sleep in the guest room alone, so she sleeps with me. She doesn't snore as much as he does. ha ha!

We had our "save the Library" rally today. It was well attended and our fabulous patrons made some noise for sure. I hope it helps but sadly I doubt it will.

Spiral Q Puppets showed and made some amazing puppets for the event. They also had these great little angel wings for all the kids.

As an employee of the city, I am prevented from participating. That feels very strange as I am quiet passionate about Libraries and would definitely be rallying for support if I didn't work here. Strange and tiring day.

One day next week is D-Day where we (staff) find out if we are canned or not. That concerns me. Not only for me but there is another staff member here on the chopping block. yuk!

happy news? Let's see, I'm sure there is some.

I meat some kick-ass meatloaf over the weekend. Meatloaf muffins to be exact. Thank-you Rachel Ray for the idea. I use my own recipe but the muffins cook up so much faster.

I’m still enjoying my online grocery shopping. Seriously to not have to deal with lines, other people, and hauling my shit around in a city that refuses to let you take grocery carts out to your car is wonderful.

I'd have to Phillycarshare.org a car for shopping anyway and it's actually cheaper to get the delivery plus it saves gas all around because others use this service. Makes sense to me and it's much nicer to wait for your groceries at home.

NO Turkey for T-day. My "in-laws" are Puerto Rican and adobo,seizon, and sofrito are their favorite spices. All delicious though not so great on Turkey (as I tested last year). This year it will be pork, rice and beans, and baked mac and cheese (my dish) with some apple crisp (me again) and some Dream Bars.

I will make a traditional Turkey meal for Ismael, myself and some friends later on in the season. I love my Turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes.

My new series addiction? The L word.

I miss our PS3 and Guitar Hero. That's how we made it through the winter last year. Yes it's dorky but it's SO MUCH FUN!

smooches!

thoughts

I remember when I used to have deep thoughts. Or at least I thought I did. Of course many of these "deep" thoughts occured while smoking or while spending time in the library avoiding homework assignments or while zoning out during classes that I probably should have been paying attention to.

I wonder...where did those thoughts go?

I swear I get so caught up in tasks that the deep thoughts rarely happen.

Don't get me wrong, I think a lot..or should I say rapidly. My brain seems to be used more to sort out the most efficient way to get from point a to point b. I can do things at an amazing speed and problem solve like a champ but I'm afraid that I really don't "think" all that much.

seriously though..it was probably the pot.

change in temp.

From 74 degrees on Saturday to flurries predicted by Thursday. Explain that. Oh yeah...global warming. Crazy!

One of the wonderful parts about my current job is the story programs. I a gal that's full of mischief so of course many of my favorite books are are filled with mischievous characters.

This is for you Heather and Theo:

My fav. picture books for the little little ones: (2ish)

unmotivated

so ha I'm running a library right now that is set to be closed and at least two of us (yes myself and one other) are probably going to be layed off. Or is that laid? Who cares? Yep that's how I feel. I have no work to do and can't quite figure out what I'm going to do next with my life. The Library is falling apart because nobody cares. I do care but I can't manage a staff who is over it.

Of course I"m still really sick so I'm super tired and ready to break into tears at any moment.

I have a group of 30 kids coming in in about 30 minutes so I will be forced to pull it together and read stories and sing songs. Of course I'll be hacking my brains out as well.

I can figure out how to pass my time for a bit while I'm out of work:

1. back to the gym
2. painting more of my house
3. Re-connecting with Project Basho
4. hopefully some travel
5. working on a children's book

But, I will be on a tight budget and I have no idea what I want to do with my future...now. I really liked being a librarian and I have a masters degree (the debt to prove it) in a very specialized field. But, I just bought a house in a city that will no longer have librarian jobs available!

yikes!

the stress has gotten to me

So after dodging many many colds and flues that have passed through the Library, I have finally managed to find myself sick and in bed. Yuk!

The update is this: Nutter (our mayor) has so kindly decided that in order to deal with the city's huge deficit (thank you Mayor Street and Bush), that the city needs to close down 11 library branches. Yep, awesome. NOt only that, but they also have to lay off 71 staff members. So of course my little gem of a Library is set to close...soon. He's shutting them down permanently. Never to be a Library again. Moving our computer equipemnt, books, etc.. to other open Libraries. This is wrong on so many levels. So now, I'm probably losing my job, all the hard work we have put in over the last year was completeley pointless and I"m not allowed to talk to the media who is pounding down our door. Love it!

So, now I'm sick. Honestly I think I just worried myself sick. I took a hard and fast bike ride on Sunday to clear my head and haven't felt right since. My head now feels like it's going to implode and the only sleep I can manage is after a heavy dose of Nyquil.

I don't know what I"m going to do. Seriously. There won't be many librarian jobs left in this city and I just bought a house. go figure. I can't turn around and sell it right now as the market blows and I wouldn't be able to get enough rent in this hood to make it worth it.

At least I'll have unemployment until I figure it out. I guess I'll get back to the gym and the darkroom and try to volunteer at Mural Arts or a afterschool program.

I should be careful with what I ask for. I did say that I wish I had more time to do other things besides work and commute. Well my friends, I will certainly have the time now!

woo hoo!

Yes, yes, yes!

It feels like there is hope again!

I couldn't even watch the election numbers last night. I was a nervous wreck and spent the rest of my night distracting myself with Swingers and crossing my fingers.

1. I should take more pictures. That's a fact. Must carry my camera with me everywhere I go. Including to and from work.

2. Catching up with dear old friends is always a pleasure.

3. Why are there more McCain flyers at this place than there are Oboma flyers? grrrr

4. I've determined that in order to run the poles, one must first be diagnosed with some realtively serious mental health disorder.

5. yoga podcasts rock.

6. Swingtown is my new guilty pleasure.

7. Due the fact that I can't afford install a real fireplace, I think I may get an electic one. Ooooh the ambience. I was looking for a couple space heaters but this is so much nicer. Don't you agree?

8. There are a few continueing ed classes at Temple I'd like to take.

9. I just crashed. YYYYYYYAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNN!

antsy

I'm still feeling quite antsy these days and Is is feeling much better. I think it's time to start planning some weekend getaways for real!

In the spring we are both going to take the motorcycle course and start our own gang.

But, we need something now.

Even though I'm antsy now, I am more of a morning person these days. By the time I get home from work I am drained. I really need to start writing some good picture books! For real.

Ta ta!

___________________________________________________________________________________

This is how I partied in college.
Band Name: Foundation (also opened for Fugazi)
Place: Racket Club Apartments (Darren and Dyami's Apartment)
The ceiling is low so that's as good as crowdriding could get. I am in the back standing on the back of a couch to catch a good view.

things that make you feel old

1. Feeling exhausted by 10.

2. Finding teenagers really annoying.

3. Being told you look good for your age. Jeesh!

4. Being called mam on the regular.

5. Cleaning your house is somewhat enjoyable.

6. 2 drinks are enough for you.

7. Sleeping in means waking up at 8:30.

8. Drycleaning has become a regular errand.

9. Men with gray hair are sexy.

10. 25 year olds look like chldren.

but I"m still young in spirit. In fact my eleven year old nephew said that he hopes when he grows up that he can have a girlfriend as fun as me so he won't be bored. Awe what a sweety!

feeling inspired

to play outside, to create something, to write a book, to do yoga, to plan a vacation, and to cook something delicious for dinner.

The world series is testing this city. Honestly I think we'll win but win or lose, this city will go crazy..for sure.

My new laptop arrived last night. Yip yip! I've been wanting a new computer for some time but honestly it's the Ming designed that gave me that final push and told me..the time is now!

I'm glad, it's been a while since I've had a computer at home. Welcome new music! Welcome a private space to work on my many projects, welcome my own spot to watch my own indy movies whenever I feel like it without competing with Is for TV time (lots of sports on right now).

Now I'm off the the Dr. It's an important visit but she's a meany and seems to look down her nose at me. I don't like it. I might have to kick her. J/K

punk

So...I'm not punk enough. Yes, I've grown up a bit and chilled out a bit. I wear fancier clothes and even heels at times. I went to Starbucks over the weekend *gasp* because I was desperate for coffee and everything else was closed (sound defensive?). Anyway the twerd (yes I just made up that word) behind the counter asked me why I had gages and stated that I just didn't look like that kind of girl. Ok my tattoos were covered up and I do smile more and grimace less but "fuck you, I'm punk!". Ok I guess it made me feel like I look so conservative and oooooooooh I hate conservative so today I had to rock the boots.



damn him!

anyway the weekend was pretty chill. Did some painting, had my first experience with online grocery shopping (including delivery), took the monkey for a few walks, made a great fall dinner of Breaded Baked Pork chops and yummy seasoned rice followed by homeade caramel apples. The apples were great but the I was truly concerned that the caramel was going to rip my cap off my fake front tooth. Ah at least it's the right time of year for that. Ya know, Halloween and all.

Ok it's not that bad but this photo is hilarious!

Also went running for the first time in 10 years. Usually I bike or work out at the gym but this time I actually ran around the park. We have a very nice park near our house so Eric and I tried this out. The only thing that hurt was my lungs and seriously I have to quit smoking cuz I didn't get very far at all! gross! Today is the first day of smoking outside our house instead of inside. It's a good start.

Bought a new laptop..w00t! It's a Dell with artwork from Mike Ming. I went to school with Ming and we definitely hung back in those days. Funny how many people you lose touch with over the years. Anyway, it's a Dell (even though I'm partial to Apple) but hey I'm on a budget. Dig it?

What a great weekend. Who doesn't love three days off in a row especially considerring my mega work responsiblities and lengthy commute conflicting with the fact that I'd rather be home working on the house. It was a fabulous weekend.

OK I did pms and totally freak out on my boyfriend but...sometimes boys just need a little ass-wuppin to get things into shape. Sometimes PMSing girls just need to do a little um...venting just cuz! ha ha

After the freak-out which led him to run scared to his mom's (I don' t blame him) I relaxed at home...alone...YES! and knitted and watched project runway. Woke up Saturday feeling very relaxed, took the poopy for a walk, took a bike ride, knitted some more, cleaned some house, read, and just enjoyed being alone! Inter-cultural relationships are funny that way.

My cultural background is mostly english and I'm an only child. I appreciate/crave/need alone time and some peace and quiet. Is's culture is Latino...Pretty much the opposite. Lots of family around all the time and lots of noise. Is is great to live with with him and his family is lovely it's just that during certain times of the month...I get this whole "GET THE HELL OUT" of my house feeling! ha ha

AFter my much need break, I had his niece and nephew over (and him back ;) ). We carved pumpkins and roasted seeds. None of them have ever had pumpkin seeds and neither of the kids had ever carved a pumpkin. Crazy! Yes we carved that one up there^^^ Love it?

Still sorting out my transportation issues. 3 hours per day is too long! Bike riding won't work. Buying a car right now doesn't seem right. Now I just saw these and they are super sexy. Won't get me here in December or January (well some of those days probably) but the rest of the year should be cool for the most part I think?

what do you think?

I'm wiped out with not much to say. The weekend was a flop with way too much angravation. I eased my mood with knitting, painting, sewing, and dog walking. Also got a fresh paint job on the toes with a cute little design on the big ones. ha ha

OH plus I made a double layer chocolate cake. The only reason one makes a double layer cake is so that one can load frosting in the middle. duh! My sugar rush kept me up too late but it was worth it. Ya think?

6:30 on a Wednesday night

oh what a day.

Decided to cut down my commute time by riding to the El on Girard today..but alas a city that couldn't be less bicycle friendly...there is no where to park it. Oh well off the the old trolley stop to double lock my bike (and wheels) to the platform in the middle.

Oh remember the days when you could leave your big wheel in the front yard? Oh right, I grew up in the sticks where yard meant grass and you could have one in the front...but you know what I mean.

Our New Mayor wants to get a bikeshare program going in Philly. Please...we have that program already. Believe me there is no lack of bicycle sharing in this city.

I'd ride all the way to work but it'd result in a sweaty mess and even worse an offensive odor. Not very customer friendly.

Work was the usual craze. This place is filled to the gills from the moment we open until the moment we close. I :heart: it. Afterschool is particularly nutzo (in a good way). The noise is insane. We've got every table filled with children and their families. Toddlers, babies, aunts, grandparents, uncles, sisters, cousins, you name it. At any given time you can hear spanish, korean, english, arabic, and cantonese. It's an amazing sound. sidenote : arabic is a beautiful language, not that I comprehend a word of it.

The ride tonight will energize me enough to do more work on the baby blanket for my soon-to-be neice-in-law so to speak. Its so pink and sweet and once finished will have a hood. Her first hoodie! yeah!

I've also got quite a pile of books sitting on my desk. 2 of them are professional reads. Who is this girl? I wonder.....

end of the workday

It's almost 8 oclock and the libray is closing. Now ahead of me lies a loooooooong commute home. You'd think I live and work in two different cities. But no, I work in South Philly and live in North Philly. Oh boy!

So here it goes, I grab the sub on Broad street, transfer to the El, and then wait for the bus under the Spring Garden Bridge. blah! How long does it take you ask? Well there are times I don't get home until 10 and THAT totally blowes. If I'm lucky I get home at 9:15. I commute 2-4 hours a day.

Now, do I buy a car? Buy a moped? or suck it up?

Once home, I kick off my shoes, grab a drink, smoke a cigarette, zone out to a little TV (tonight will be Weeds) and it's off to a good book followed by some zzzzzzzzzzzzz

The book at the moment is "Waiter Rant" by anonymous Waiter.

wonder why I feel so tired?

It's been a long time

Yes, I've been in hiding.

I'm a changed woman...and that change is a good thing.

2 years of therapy, going dry till I could figure out how to drink without getting trashed. Saving money, buying a house, having an actual profession that I love. That all involved a lot of discipline but it paid off in the end. I was self sabotaging but I've grown, I've changed, I've healed.

I am now a woman, a happy woman, who loves herself and loves being alive. I was on a downward spiral but I crawled out of it and am better than ever.

Through this process I let go and/or hid from many "friends ". I had to deal with some hard truths and in order to do this, Io locked myself in my house for about a year. I had the occasional coffee or dinner, went to the gym, went to therapy, wrote a ton, and spent time with my garden, my dog, my cat, and for the first time, myself.